Sunday, May 15, 2011

I long for boredom...

The past week has been full of ups, downs, highs, lows, and leaves me wondering if life will ever be predictable again. Most likely the answer is NO.

Early last week, I received a phone call from the Rose Cottage telling me that someone very special had taken care of Billy's daycare bill for over a month. In the midst of the really awful things we've had to deal with the last several years, we have witnessed blessing after blessing come our way. I thank God and give Him the glory for all of this, and I hope when I tell these wonderful friends how much I appreciate it, they know I'm sincere. Words seem so inadequate to express my gratitude.

Later in the week, I received another phone call from the Rose Cottage from Terry, the main caretaker, around 8:00 a.m. It had been less than 2 hours since I had seen her when we met for Billy to ride with her to the Cottage. I get a bit worried when I get calls from the Cottage because they don't call very often. Terry called to tell me that Billy had asked to talk to her about something that morning. She said while he was talking to her, he was visibly sweating and trembling. He told Terry that I just wasn't the same woman I was when we maried, and that he just didn't know what to do. He told her we had talked for a long time the night before, and it looked like I was going to leave him. I was really stunned on the other end...Billy had fallen asleep around 8:30 the night before in his chair. We never had a talk like that, but in Billy's brain, it happened. Terry tried to assure him that I was probably just stressed from the end of the school year. I assured her I would never leave Billy...which she already knew. She told me she would work on calming him down about it.

The weekend was busy, and Billy did pretty well through most of it. We were arriving home on Saturday evening when we noticed several cars parking along the street near our home. Billy is Mr. Curious and always has been. When we were getting out of the car, he was craning his neck to see what was going on. The folks two doors down are from India, and their guests were all arriving in their native dress - men in white trousers and tunic tops, women in saris with their heads covered. We went on with our evening, and a few hours later, we heard car doors closing. Billy headed to the door to see what was going on, and I asked him not to open the front door and stare. Instead he stared out he small windows of the front door. He watched until the cars were loaded and drove away. He kept looking at his watch, and he asked me what day it was. He asks me this question several times a day. I told him it was Saturday, and he said, "No, I mean what day like of the month." I told him it was May 14th. He said, "That's funny. All of those people were in costumes, and it's not even...." I know he was looking for the word Halloween, but words just don't come to Billy as easily as they once did.

One word that does pass his lips frequently is girlfriend. I mentioned several posts ago that he told me he has a girlfriend. On the way home, he told me he had met a girl, and she was really nice. I asked where he met her, and he told me that he met her at school. As he talked more and more about her, I told him she sounded sort of like me. He laughed and said she is sort of like me. I asked him where they went, and he said they just went to the lodge. That's his other word for the Cottage. He can't remember her name, but she's really nice. I finally asked him what his wife thought of his girlfriend. He said, "Wife? Wife?" as though he certainly didn't have one. I told him that I'm his wife. A look crossed his face, and he said, "I'm such a doofus sometimes." While we were eating dinner tonight, Billy told me what a good mom I am. His relationships are really blurred at times. I remember his mom doing the same. She would introduce Billy as her brother.

It's amazing how you can be with a person every day for hours and still miss that person. I see glimpses of the Billy I've been married to for 30 years, but he changes daily lately. Last night, he asked if he could spend the night with me. I told him he could spend every night with me. He was so relieved. I said, "I'm your wife, honey, and you can always stay with me." He jumped up to come give me a kiss, and then he said he felt 100% better. I miss the man who could finish my sentences for me. We had little stupid things we would say that meant something to us, but they meant nothing to others. We don't do that any more.

I don't want this blog to become my pity party. I do, however, want it to show the pain involved with this disease. We will have been married 30 years on June 13th. I'm really angry that we won't celebrate our 50th anniversary on a cruise and probably not at all. I am not certain of what Billy's life expectancy is, but I am certain that his quality life expectancy is going quickly. As time passes, I know I have decisions to make in the fairly near future. Please pray that God will reveal the best answers to me and give me the wisdom and courage needed to follow through.

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